Relationship Roulette

I recently experienced an incident of what I call “relationship roulette.” Contrary to what I thought of as the healthy state of some relationships in my life, barely below the surface there lay hidden seeds of betrayal and abandonment—often several years in gestation and arising out of nowhere without warning.

And the underlying cause for such deterioration of relations? I discovered it may be as innocuous as a misunderstood comment during a conversation years earlier, a personal slight unacknowledged by the other party and therefore unknown to me, or an assumption made without basis in reality but manufactured into a misperception.

If any of the above pertains to one of your personal relationships I urge you to deal with the issue as it happens if you hope to preserve it. I personally try to live as scripture instructs us, “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” However, as we cannot control others’ actions toward us, we are left to deal with the resultant fallout when our best intentions are obliterated by relational fireworks.

One method of coping is striving to live free of others’ unrealistic expectations. We are all human and capable of offense but when it happens inadvertently it is up to the aggrieved to address it with the offender or else it is unfixable. I will even go so far as to say that if I offend someone I expect them to confront me about it, or forgive me of it and move on, or notify me of our relationship’s end at the time.

Otherwise, for better or worse, I will assume all is well. What is especially galling about unanticipated relational blowups is that all the intervening touchpoints feel inauthentic in retrospect. Another coping mechanism is limiting relationships with people who appear quick to pass judgments and formulate opinions from cursory observations. As I learned the hard way, if others look for offense they are likely to find it.

The Ties Unbind

The holidays are meant to be a happy time but for various reasons they often fail to measure up to our expectations, however unrealistic they may be at times. Suffice it to say not all of our lives are Hallmark movies in the making. So we should not be too surprised when relationships go sideways during this typically stressful time of the year.

And even though Linda and I are very blessed in many ways, our familial relationships have been sources of considerable angst. Unfortunately, living closer to family has not proven to be a tonic for our fractured ties. It is as author Reeve Lindbergh describes in her memoir, “The end of connection, the end of relationship, is such a dissolving phenomenon…Little by little, quickly or slowly, the ties unbind.”  

For my part, I have made it a practice to not chase after other people in a misguided effort to salvage dysfunctional relationships. If others are not willing to deal with issues and apologize for offenses, I remind myself I am better off without the associated stress and even sickness. As scripture reminds us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

“Forgiveness is accepting the apology you will never get,” suggests Kevin Kelly, author of Excellent Advice for Living: Wisdom I Wish I’d Known Earlier, adding “A proper apology consists of conveying the 3 Rs: regret, responsibility, and remedy.” Yet, whether or not we ever get one, Linda and I forgive others while distancing ourselves from the dysfunction.

I am sharing from personal experience here to try and spare others the heartache of unnecessary relational grief resulting from vainly striving to sustain relations all on one’s own. I learned a long time ago that healthy relationships involve reciprocity and lousy ones suck the life from you. So, here is hoping you and yours have a happy AND healthy holiday season!

Necessary Endings

With this year drawing to a close I thought it only fitting to share some of my gleanings from a life-changing book I just read titled Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward by Dr. Henry Cloud. As a result of it, I whittled my contact list to fit what has become known as Dunbar’s number, so named for the anthropologist who identified it and which states that people can juggle only about 150 relationships at a time. 

Suffice it to say that the good in our relational lives cannot begin until the bad ends. Yet people generally struggle with how to properly end relationships. As Cloud points out, with the closure of a relationship there is a big difference between hurt and harm. “We all hurt sometimes in facing hard truths, but it makes us grow…Harm is when you damage someone. Facing reality is usually not a damaging experience, even though it can hurt.” 

Another gem I garnered from the book has to do with misunderstood loyalty. According to Cloud, “It is just one of the truths about life: sometimes we need to do something for ourselves or our business that is not good for someone else, at least not in the short term.” And as adults we need to learn to communicate: “I am not doing this ‘to you.’ I am doing it ‘for me.’” Again, there is a big difference here. 

Part of my winnowing process this year with relationships in my life involved setting boundaries with some and cutting ties with others. I even parted ways with a longtime client who acted increasingly dysfunctional. With Linda and I now both in our 50’s life has become too short to tolerate nonsense either of a personal or professional variety. As the above photo illustrates, a setting sun can be beautiful but also a reminder that time is winding down.    

It is also worth noting here that this is my 300th post in about 15 years of blogging, which works out to 20 substantial essays per year and at an average of 400 words per post it means I have written more than 120,000 words or enough for a 480-page book. So, I am thinking of compiling the cream of the crop into one concise document for sale as an e-book. And I’d love to get your feedback in order to gauge overall support of such a project!

Changing Seasons

Linda is coming upon her fourth work anniversary and with it she gets an additional week of vacation, totaling five weeks altogether, which is very generous. But what is ironic about getting that much time off is that we have not used it to travel anywhere for the last year and do not plan to do so anytime soon, especially now that we live at a lighthouse. All of which is a fulfillment of a longtime goal that was to create a life we do not need a vacation from. 

As longtime residents of Florida who were born and bred in the south, we used to vacation in New England and dream of escaping the heat and humidity to live here one day. So now that we do we are savoring the changing of the seasons, including early snowfalls like the one we got here the other day and is pictured above. There is nothing quite like watching snow swirling around you on all sides and feeling like you live inside a snow globe built for two. 

And speaking of seasons, Linda and I have been thinking lately about the temporality of life and how it helps to embrace such a mindset, especially when dealing with life’s setbacks. Consequently, one of my favorite biblical phrases has become, “and it came to pass.” Also, our experience has been that even relationships tend to come with expiration dates. And coming to terms with that ebb and flow of people in our lives keeps us from artificially sustaining them.

Like so much of life, the maintaining of relationships is a cyclical endeavor that requires letting go of ones that have fulfilled their purpose for a specific time period. I cannot speak for others but I have learned the hard way that streamlining one’s life also means relinquishing memories of what used to be in order to move ahead in our lives. And that is okay, for it is the nature of changing seasons.     

Lifestyle Design Issues

One of the pricklier parts of designing one’s dream lifestyle is trying to figure out who fits into it and who does not. People commonly state that relationships are the most important aspect of their lives, and of course I agree with the sentiment. Yet what I frequently observe is that people tend to take each other for granted. For relationships to be sustainable they must be healthy, otherwise they need to be pruned.

So exactly what do I mean by that? For starters, don’t relate on other people’s terms all the time. Of course, healthy relationships call for give and take on the part of both parties, but if you find yourself giving inordinately more than you are receiving, it is time to reevaluate that relationship. As part of our overall simplifying strategy, we must be willing to edit our lives, and that includes the people who are part of them.

The principle of reciprocity suggests that for any relationship to be healthy it must be reciprocal, or mutually beneficial to both parties. Unless both people in a relationship share in the maintenance of it, resentment from the neglected person typically results. Communication is key to resolving the issues that inevitably arise in a relationship and if one party is mute, it speaks volumes.

I once heard a minister say that the people in our lives who we most try to please will also be the greatest source of our pain. And I think we have all experienced the tragic consequences of familiarity breeding contempt. If you have people in your life that fail to respect you for who you are—without trying to change you—sooner or later you will experience their contempt of you. It may be subtle but the underlying message from them is: you are not enough.

Now I don’t know about you, but I am done with the soul-sucking people in my life. Just this past weekend, I deleted about one-third of all the contacts in my phone’s address book. Most were not necessarily leeches, but simply antiquated contacts. Yet several prompted negative emotions in me as a result of the sour state of our relationship. And news flash: the fact that someone is family does not give them the right to mistreat us either.

One of the lessons I am learning as I get older is that so much of life is about its corresponding times and seasons. It is liberating to accept that not everyone is meant to be a part of our lives forever. I cannot count the number of relationships that I have propped up indefinitely because I failed to realize they were meant simply for a season. So, I encourage each of you to ponder your relationships and be willing to pare them accordingly.   

I’ll close with a thought-provoking statement I read in an article from The Guardian titled “Why Time Management Is Ruining Our Lives” by Oliver Burkeman: “Which paths will you pursue, and which will you abandon? Which relationships will you prioritize, during your shockingly limited lifespan [emphasis mine], and who will you resign yourself to disappointing? What matters?” 

The Brevity of Life

With the new year underway, lately I have been thinking about the brevity of life. I know this is a deep thought, but the older I get the shorter life seems (I have an upcoming birthday). Correspondingly, life is too short to try fooling ourselves otherwise. So, what are we to do with this realization? I am speaking for myself here, but it naturally makes me want to make the most of my time left here on earth.

One of the practical steps I am taking includes quitting unfruitful activities in favor of fruitful ones, such as giving myself permission to stop reading books that bore me. I kept renewing one library book by a renowned author over and over but I just could not get through it so I finally turned it in and moved on to another title. As they say, so many books, so little time.

Not to be melodramatic, but I have been experiencing some health challenges that got me thinking of how I would live differently if I knew this were my last year alive. Suffice it to say, nothing clears the cobwebs of one’s consciousness like mulling over your own mortality. And a large part of simplifying life involves identifying what works for us and what does not.

Another factor that contributes significantly to our overall quality of life is the relationships we enjoy with other people. Just this morning I hosted a friend for coffee and pastries, over which we explored several meaningful issues in our lives, all in the refreshingly unhurried atmosphere of a winter morning here on the coast of Maine. And one key factor was that we both kept technology at bay during our hour and a half together.

So on that note, allow me to suggest that the greatest gift you can give another person is your undivided attention. And for the love of God, make it one of your new year’s resolutions to connect and communicate regularly with your loved ones. I have a family member who, no matter how many hints I drop about it, fails to appreciate this simple gesture.

In this age of iPhones and the like, none of us has any excuse for not reaching out and staying in touch with one another. Find out people’s preferred mode of communication, whether calls, emails, texts, etc., and contact them. LIFE IS SHORT. And if you live like you were dying, you’ll save yourself a ton of heartache and regret one day. 

Making Time for Relationships

Hear ye, hear ye! I have identified the twin thieves conspiring to rob us of the relationships in our lives. Their names are Materialism and Busyness. And their domains of operation are money and time. But do not fear, I have learned how to apprehend them. All that is needed to keep their thievery in check is vigilant attention to their stealthy ways. And what are they, you ask?

Well, the Bible informs us in 1 Timothy 6:10, “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” Notice money itself is not evil but rather the love of money, or what is later called greediness. Beyond the level of our needs being met, money often proves to be a fickle lover. Chasing riches for their own sake is a fool’s errand.

The antidote minimalism provides is the conviction that meaning is not found in money nor the stuff it buys. Rather, by living simply we are free to explore nature, celebrate experiences, and enjoy relationships with other people, which research has proven to be the best investment of all. If you find yourself neglecting people in the name of providing for them, you need to realize that it is your invaluable attention that your loved ones crave, not another token of your love!  

And James 4:14 reminds us, “For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” What many of us fail to realize is that while the clock ticks away, if we are consumed with expending our precious time (our only nonrenewable resource) in the vain pursuit of more and more money (yielding diminishing returns over time), our lives ultimately will be void of meaning. Rather than merely giving lip service to the place of relationships in your life, how about giving the people you love the most valuable commodity you own: your time?

In the age which we live, with all of its ubiquitous technology and countless means of connecting, none of us has an excuse for not staying in touch with those we say we love, for love is an action. Most of us own multiple communication devices, not the least of which are the smartphones we carry with us all the time. And each one enables us to call, email, and text messages to communicate with others. So, rather than “like” virtual strangers, let me encourage you, in the words of the old commercial, to “reach out and touch” your loved ones by contacting them…or at least hitting “reply.”  

The Boxes of Life

So I’ve been thinking about boxes lately. You see, both my father and my wife’s father passed away this summer. My father was cremated and his remains placed in a box and my father-in-law was buried in a traditional coffin. And there are other boxes that seem to define our lives. It may be cliché, but when we leave a job we typically cart our belongings out the door in a cardboard box. And we usually store our excess stuff at home in more boxes.

If you think about it, babies are placed in a type of box called cribs and our homes and autos are other types of boxes so it could be said that we inhabit one type of box or another during our lives all the way from the cradle to the grave. So what is it about boxes that make them so ubiquitous in our lives? The dictionary defines a box as a container used for storage that has sides and sometimes a lid. I think boxes are such a part of our lives because they are so useful as containers, both of stuff and the stuff of dreams.

We often talk about thinking “outside the box” and not wanting to feel “boxed in” but boxes represent built-in boundaries that are not necessarily bad. When my wife and I began our minimalist journey we chose to limit our stuff to a manageable number of portable boxes (and bags, but that is another post), which for us was half a dozen stackable plastic bins. And we each possess a couple of what we call memory boxes that contain precious family photos and other memorabilia. So boxes are not at all bad.

Boxes carry us from life to death and our stuff along with us, but it is important to remember that we cannot tote our stuff with us into the afterlife. Try as we might, even if we place valuables in our crypts the baubles will not accompany us into eternity. So it is vital that we place our limited attention where it truly deserves to reside and that is on each other and our invaluable relationships. It is one thing to gather and commemorate the lives of loved ones but much more pressing to celebrate and love one another here. 

No Rules, Just Righteousness

I was not exactly the class clown in school but I must admit I was one to flout the rules periodically and it was usually during the fire drills. I suppose I get why there should be NO TALKING during them but I had trouble obeying that rule. Yes, I was the one who got to write “I will not talk during fire drills” umpteen times when I returned to class.

Fast forward to today. The longer I live by faith the more I realize that Christianity is about Christ making me righteous, or in right standing with God, instead of me following the rules, or dos and don’ts, of religion. I don’t even consider Christianity a religion in the sense that religion is “man’s attempt to reach God on his terms” while Christianity is “God’s attempt to reach man on His terms.”

It is religion that stresses rules over relationships and rules without relationships breed rebellion. In my case, I had trouble being quiet during fire drills because I couldn’t relate how chatting with my neighbor jeopardized the success of the fire drill. And making me write that I’d do otherwise did nothing but make me try harder to not get caught again.

I happen to be reading a good book called Packing Light about a couple of friends’ journey across America. One of its messages to me is how their rule making, which usually led to rule breaking, threatened to ruin their trip. And I love this line from author Ally Vesterfelt: “Perhaps if we lay our rule book down, we could hear God whisper back: 'I’m right here, and there’s a whole big, refreshing, frustrating, and satisfying world in front of us. Will you put down your stuff and come enjoy it with Me?'”

As Eugene Peterson so eloquently paraphrased Paul’s words in The Message: “Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God’s grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.” To paraphrase the words of an Outback commercial: “No rules, just righteousness.”

Inventory Time

As this year draws to a close the time has come to conduct an inventory of my life and stuff. For my wife and I this year has been one of purging and paring not only possessions but also relationships and other parts of our lives that didn’t seem to fit or suit our sensibilities anymore.

Early in the year, we unloaded several electronic gadgets that had just been collecting dust and from there we proceeded to get rid of hundreds of books, pieces of furniture, my wife’s bicycle, assorted lawn equipment, extraneous clothing items, and sundry household paraphernalia.

Propelling us to action was the landing of a neighbor’s tree on the roof of our house, which resulted in our getting the house fixed and placed on the market. Once we embraced the thought of moving, the idea of a more mobile lifestyle motivated us to quit what wasn’t working and to get rid of the unnecessary possessions weighing us down literally and figuratively.

We have made exceptional progress but are not yet at the place where we can move on a whim. For example, as much as we’ve whittled down our media library, we still own about 500 books, 100 compact discs, 20 digital video discs, and miscellaneous other media, not to mention our fair share of related electronic gadgetry.

One of the added benefits of downsizing the detritus of life is processing what you possess and getting to the point where you need what you own and own what you need. After a year of winnowing our possessions, it feels good to possess our stuff rather than it possessing us.